Elizabeth Stokoe

Word Choice Matters

Last week I visited my best friend in LA and experienced just how powerful word choice is. My friend Derrick’s wife, Grace, is an accomplished lawyer. In our conversations she has taken particular interest in highlighting my use of absolutes. And, while I was aware of this habit, I had never experienced its effects in such clarity.

As a speech coach I often advise on how to effectively communicate without using absolute words, like “always”, “never”, “tremendous”, and so forth. And yet, with her sharp observant mind, she cross-examined me every single time I used some type of generic phrase that generalized the topic at hand.

At first I found it, as you can imagine, frustrating. But then I realized what a gift that was to be able to have someone pinpoint a phrase or a statement that can derail my presentation and the content of my thought before I even start.

This message of choosing words carefully, whether they are absolutes or filler words, such as “you know”, “as I said before”, “to be honest”, “right”, can truly derail the message. This became even clearer to me on that trip, as I listened to a TedTalk by British psychologist Elizabeth Stokoe, who studies the patterns in talk that most of us don’t even notice. In her TedTalk, “What a Difference a Word Can Make; How a Single Word can Change Your Conversation”, she shows the power of specific words to make or break a conversation, just like absolutes have done for me.

One of those words that particularly impressed me is the word “willing”. She used an example of a mediator trying to sell their services to two bickering parties. There are many ways to ask whether or not they are interested in mediation or want to mediate, but the word “willing” became absolutely powerful. As crazy as it sounds, it made sense, as soon as I understood the context. Most people don’t want mediation because they believe the other person doesn’t want mediation. But that automatically implies that they are someone who might be willing. SO using the word “willing” makes it much more likely that a sale will actually come through; that the mediation would actually happen.

Another example that struck me was that of physicians using the word “anything”. As all of us have been to the doctor, we know that at most encounters, the doctor will turn to you and say, “Is there ‘anything’ else that you would like to address?” I know for myself, that when I leave the office I can think of at least two things that I did not ask. What Elizabeth suggests is that a much better word to use at the end of an important conversation is the word “something”. “Is there ‘something’ else that you have questions about?” “Something” focuses the mind on a specific, rather than “any” which focuses the mind on nothing.

When you look at your communication style, are there words that help you engage your audience and help you drive your message home?

Keep those. Build on those.

Are there any words or phrases that detract such as absolutes, filler phrases, or over-generalizations, like “any”?

Look for them, eliminate them. And SPEAK with more power, confidence, and poise.

For more information about Leo Novsky and his work, go to www.speakwithpower.net